Reflections

Being someone who normally can handle my feelings and emotions rather well, when I got to Conn. this past Sunday, I felt lost, broken, unsure, of how I would handle myself when seeing my family for the first time after the sudden passing of my Grandmother.

I sat on the flight from the west to the east, thinking, remembering, feeling, loving my grandmother and all that she has done for me. I often think life is to short for BS and this was proof. You have to sieze the day, you have to live for now. My grandmother was proof of that, she did what she wanted to do, went after her dreams, loved her family, and was happy.

When she fell ill, she often would say she was dying, she often would say she didnt think she was gonna make it; BS I said, you'll be fine, was I providing false hope for myself or comfort for her, I guess a little bit of both. I knew in my heart what she felt maybe true but didn't want to believe it. I couldnt fathum loosing her, shes my cruch, my nonnie, my soul, a piece of my heart, I adore her with all of my being, shes amazing...

Gone
Fast
Sudden
Devastating
I feel lost...
I am lost...
Without her...
My heart hurts!

I gave the eulogy at her funeral...The hardest thing I have EVER had to do, life flashed before my eyes as the mortal words flew from my mouth, bringing to tears to everyones eyes, my family moved in ways I never expected.

My Uncle later asked me "Did you write that by yourself?"
Yes
I did
Feelings, emotions, love, in words for my Nonnie...

I feel close to her, I feel her with me, my cruch still, my life, my love...
And always...
My nonnie...

Ill miss her
I will feel disconnected for a bit, but will regain myself soon...
slowly
but in time...